XOXO, Puppet Girl #12

Farscape Episodes 2x01 & 2x02

Oh my god, who is that at the door? It’s my special friend Farscape, back from the war! Please make her feel at home. She’s going to be here a while.

Mind the Baby

In the break since last season, three or four days passed. Aeryn did save John and D’Argo from raw vacuum, bringing them to an abandoned mining station in that asteroid field where we’ve spent so many episodes now. When D’Argo wakes up from a multi-day vac-induced coma, John tells him Aeryn’s out looking for supplemental supplies.

Or is she? Aeryn lied to John. She’s been getting resources from Crais of all people, who still controls Baby Ship Talyn. And the two of them are plotting some mysterious scheme together.

John and D’Argo catch up on everything from last episode. The Peacekeepers continue searching for our heroes, nobody knows where Moya and the others are, and Aeryn gave the Baby Ship a Peacekeeper name. D’Argo hates all of this, but he is genuinely happy to see John and Aeryn alive. Aeryn’s acting weird, though, and freaks out when John and D’Argo suggest leaving the asteroid. Wisely, they become suspicious.

Far away on Moya, the remaining crew argue about their next move. Moya and Pilot insist on returning to the asteroid field to look for Talyn, but Chiana and Rygel are skeptical any of their friends survived.

Whoooooooo’s that lady {sexy lady}? It’s Scorpius in his Command Carrier. One of the mommy dommy attendants presses a series of buttons on the side of his head and a big tube comes whirling out of his skull. The tube contains moist redness and crystals. The dommy removes a red crystal and replaces it with a blue one. This will be important later. Braca shows up to report not finding John or Talyn. Braca’s slightly ensorcelled by Scorpius’ weird head. Scorpius chooses to discuss their search for John at an unusually close proximity to Braca’s face. Just Girly Things, etc.

Crais and Talyn have an argument about whether Talyn’s mommy is coming to find him and whether they should go look for her. Aeryn enters Talyn’s command deck and interrupts Crais’ bitching to soothe the Baby Ship. She and Crais have a very toxic parenting relationship when it comes to this infant living ship. But they convince Talyn not to flee in panic. Crais makes it kind of weird by getting as close to Aeryn as Scorpius gets to Braca. We discover Crais and Aeryn have made an agreement to share command of Talyn. How long do you think that will last?

John and D’Argo play rock, paper, scissors and discuss ludology because they’re boy best friends. But when Aeryn comes back they corner her about her weird behavior. John insists that their relationship, while as yet unnameable, should have a solid foundation of trust at this point. He calls Aeryn out for lying to him, so she admits to allying with Crais. This deal is this: Crais helps her protect John and D’Argo, and she helps Crais control Talyn, grooming the ship to obey Crais as his commander. John and D’Argo feel uncomfortable about this. D’Argo gets to say the great line “That offspring has weaponry!” He makes the executive decision to knock Aeryn unconscious with his magic tongue. But then he and John argue about who gets to fly over to Talyn in the prowler and kill Crais. They play rock, paper, scissors for it.

John wins.

Later, D’Argo and Aeryn argue about whether Crais is trustworthy. D’Argo makes some crucial points about  Crais’ enormous self-interest.

And indeed at that very moment over on Talyn Crais is on the phone with Scorpius. Crais appeals to Scorpius for more time to conduct his schemes. Scorpius drops some classic VILLAIN bars. Crais spins this disagreement into greater influence over Talyn. But then John bursts in and he’s acting a little quazy. Maybe you’ve wondered how John’s preserved his mental health through these unprecedented times. Spoiler alert for the rest of the season: he hasn’t!

Crais sics Talyn on John, but John abducts the erstwhile captain.

Moya nears Talyn’s position, but can’t find him. He’s flying deeper into the asteroid field in a panic. A prowler approaches Moya and Chiana allows it to dock on the hopes that it’s Aeryn. But actually it’s John and hostage!Crais. Chiana sproings into John’s arms with joy.

John goes to pick up D’Argo and Aeryn from the asteroid, but meanwhile Scorpius has picked up Talyn’s distress call and is nearing their position. I cannot emphasize how audible Scorpius’ gimp suit is every time he moves.

John, Aeryn, and D’Argo make it back to Moya, where Rygel almost chokes to death with joy upon seeing his pals. This leaves Rygel deservedly humiliated.

Aeryn calls Talyn, trying to convince him to meet up with Moya. John tries to convince Moya not to pursue Talyn so menacingly. Crais tries to bond with D’Argo about their shared rural backgrounds and his attempts at personal growth. Much try-fail loop on Moya today.

Scorpius is nearly upon us. Everybody freaks out. Talyn fires on Moya, demanding she return Crais to him so Crais can protect him from the Peacekeepers. Talyn keeps shooting, so Aeryn decides she and Crais will go to Talyn. She’ll stay with Talyn as long as Crais does in order to balance out Crais’ negative influence. John is rightly upset by this idea, because it involves dear Aeryn being trapped with that sicko Crais for an indefinite period of time, and wrongly upset by this idea, because it involves his girl spending a lot of time with another dude.

They let Crais out of his cell. Crais hams up making Aeryn choose between him and John. She will never love you, Crais! You are making it weird!! John does some manly posturing to process his feelings.

In Moya’s docking area, John and Aeryn say goodbye sadly while Crais shuffles around in the background third-wheeling it. But John is very sweet because while he is not a perfect person he tries hard.

On Talyn’s command deck, Crais receives a crazy spinal implant from Talyn, despite Aeryn’s best efforts to dissuade him. Mad with power, Crais and Talyn demand Aeryn leave them. Aeryn gets into a fight with both of them, and together they force her out. No girls allowed!

Scorpius is so close now…But then Crais calls him and delivers a grand blat, claiming he murdered John with his bare hands. Scorpius is so pissed he uses his scary voice and not his British voice to order the Command Carrier to fire on both Leviathans. But Crais, now in total control of Talyn, starbursts him away. As soon as Aeryn arrives back on Moya, our heroes do the same.

Scorpius considers biting Braca to death, but settles on torturing Braca’s incompetent subordinate. He and Braca resolve to pursue Moya, just in case Crais lied about killing John.

Aeryn and John sit morosely down in Pilot’s hideout. Aeryn feels that she failed Talyn by not persuading him to reject Crais. Pilot and John assure her there’s nothing she could have done. 

John can’t be completely sad because Aeryn has stayed with him and he does love her. This is the first episode where we can say that he is not merely hot for her, he does love her. It’s the way they sit together in this last scene and he plays with her hair and gives her tiny kisses. I’m not claiming it’s healthy. I’m just saying it’s joe-ver for him.

Aeryn, sensing her burgeoning influence over John, suggests that perhaps Crais has changed for the better and will take care of Talyn. After all, she has changed a great deal. John has changed a great deal.

John Crichton, who arrived to this show quoting Star Trek and rejecting violence, can’t quite bear to believe it.

Man, Lani Tupu rocks so hard as Crais. He’s unctuous, scheming, devious, unlikable, and completely charismatic. I hate when he’s around and every single episode this season I will be tapping my watch and saying “When does Crais get back?” 

Vita Mortis

We open on a glorious matte painting of a castle which would not look out of place in a King Arthur storybook. By the power of green screen John, Zhaan, and D’Argo walk up to it. Inside the mysterious structure they inquire after the presence of a Luxan, i.e. someone of D’Argo’s species.

The Luxan proves to be a very elderly woman, bedridden and near death. She identifies D’Argo as a general. D’Argo freaks when he discovers she is an Orican, which is a type of magic holy woman. She does psychic surgery on him, discovering he isn’t a real general, and launches him out of the doors. D’Argo resolves to leave, but Zhaan wants them to stay because mystical stuff is happening. John objects, standing up for D’Argo.

D’Argo explains a little of his backstory, saying he got fake chin tattoos of a general in order to perpetrate a heroic ruse to protect the real general. John commends him, telling him that it’s the Orican’s problem if she doesn’t recognize his heroism. But unfortunately for John this empowers D’Argo to go back and confront the Orican instead of going home to Moya.

Convinced of his courage now, the Orican requests D’Argo attend her death in a special ritual. Zhaan’s excited about it, but when John learns the ritual may be fatal to D’Argo, he objects.

While D’Argo and Zhaan go back up to Moya to get some supplies, John confronts the Orican. She asks John if he’s frightened of the spiritual. He’s frightened of losing his boy best friend. The Orican explains that she’s been so lonely so far from any other Luxans and wants desperately to have one last culturally familiar experience before she dies.

Of course John cannot deny her a request made from loneliness. Even while attesting to his love for D’Argo he’s lonely too.

D’Argo’s packing up his Luxan artifacts when Rygel and Chiana interrupt him. Rygel’s rude (obviously), but Chiana’s worried about him. D’Argo lies and assures them he’ll be fine. But neither of them fall for it.

John waits nervously outside the ritual room while D’Argo and the Orican begin the process. They’re wearing some amazing shiny pink and gold robes. They fully do magic together, with D’Argo’s sword flying around in the air. John and Chiana both sense a disturbance in the force. John forces his way into the ritual room to check on D’Argo. D’Argo’s okay and somehow the Orican has become young and sexy. But on Moya the pool where Chiana’s doing laundry has frozen solid with Chiana mired in it. Pilot confirms something is wrong with the ship.

The magically young Orican sexually harasses John and D’Argo. John is upset as the Orican continues to make moves on D’Argo. He scuttles away to avoid third-wheeling it. The Orican licks D’Argo’s nips and invites him to bed. She’s getting a heavy serving of Bollywood-grade wind machine.

Aeryn and Zhaan struggle to free Chiana while Moya gets sicker and sicker. They call John, who’s happy to leave D’Argo behind because he’s audibly dicking down with the Orican. When D’Argo runs out of steam sexually, the Orican offers him his fondest wishes: a return home, a great military career, reconnection with his son.

Moya’s skin is peeling off. John and Aeryn struggle to free Chiana. Rygel shows up wearing, I shit you not, a tiny puppet smoking jacket and tiny puppet jammies. I hate him but I literally love him so bad. Unfortunately, the chamber they’re all in explosively decompresses and Rygel’s sucked into the hole. Luckily, the hole is exactly Rygel-sized  so he makes a perfect plug.

D’Argo and the Orican show up, offering to help with Moya’s illness. She tries using her magic powers to fix the hole in Moya’s hull, but instead Moya’s illness gets worse…

Chiana seems a little jealous of D’Argo’s attention to the Orican.

One thing I appreciate about D’Argo is that he’s not stupid: as soon as they’re alone he confronts the Orican about the possibility of their ritual causing Moya’s illness. The Orican admits that she thought she was stealing D’Argo’s lifeforce (appropriate in the context of the ritual), but she was actually stealing Moya’s. D’Argo and the Orican agree to reverse the process, but they must return to the planet to consult her scrolls.

In the lab, Aeryn’s also realizing the same thing D’Argo did, though Zhaan tries to deny it. Pilot summons Aeryn to reveal that he’s also falling terribly ill alongside Moya, both of them with the symptoms of advanced age. Aeryn takes this as confirmation of her theory and pursues D’Argo and the Orican. John joins her to try and prevent casualties. The Orican traps John and Aeryn in comical crystal prisons.

D’Argo feels bad about betraying John and Moya, but he goes with the Orican.

Down on the planet the Orican is running out of ideas to reverse the spell. When she tries to get D’Argo to abandon Moya, he objects, defending Moya’s personhood and right to live. He becomes disillusioned with the Orican and when she sees his disappointment she gives into his demand to restore Moya.

John makes it down to the planet and confronts D’Argo, unarmed. D’Argo appeals to John’s loneliness, but this time John refuses to be beseeched. He points out that the Orican’s intentions don’t matter anymore: she’s murdering Moya and Pilot. D’Argo breaks down and weeps openly at the prospect of killing the only other Luxan he’s seen in cycles. But in the end he takes the blade John offers and resolves to end the Orican’s life.

She thanks him for his brief gift of youth and together they repeat the end of life ritual, culminating in the Orican impaling herself on D’Argo’s blade. She dies and her blood explodes like glass. She becomes old instantly, but D’Argo kisses her anyway.

Moya gets well and Chiana and Rygel get free of their predicaments. Aeryn checks on Pilot, and Pilot reveals that he has given up much of his lifespan for the opportunity to bond with Moya. When she dies, he will go too.

John finds the grieving D’Argo and comforts him.

This is a slight episode, all things considered, but I’m fond of it because D’Argo gets to do a lot of acting and emoting. He’s a guy with big feelings and I want to hear about them. Plus we’ve descended another layer down in the iceberg of loneliness. The sad truth is that the people you love sometimes make you more lonely. But they’re also the hand that saves you.

Season Two starts off well, if not electric. These are both solid, engaging episodes, though they added very little to our accounting. They both engage with our iceberg themes of loneliness and power. We already talked about the loneliness, but there’s much to consider from episodes 1 and 2 about how people gain power over each other and how trust is a kind of power. D’Argo chose to place his trust in the Orican and Moya paid the price. But in the end the Orican did the right thing, so was D’Argo wrong? I dunno, but her misuse of her power did break his heart. Even if Moya’s better, he’s a little more wounded forever.

Talyn placed his trust in Crais instead of Aeryn. John thinks he’s wrong. All of us viewers at home think he’s wrong. But is he? Only time will tell.

Crew Roster Check-In: John, Aeryn, D’Argo, Zhaan, Rygel, Pilot, Moya, Chiana

Accounting for Farscape’s Crimes

Times I Have Said “What Is Happening” Out Loud to Myself So Far: 9

Times John Crichton Experiences a Sexual or Romantic Violation by a Villain: 2

Times John Crichton Threatens Suicide: 1

Doubles Episodes So Far: 4.5

Weird Sex Things So Far: 21

Tears Shed So Far: 5